I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
that may or may not have been my penis.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
