Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
