I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
