I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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