quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
