Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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