pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
