Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
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