The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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