I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
