woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
