i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
