fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize