Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
