you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
