Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
