I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
