hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
