he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
