I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
