May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
