My friends, they love my intelligence
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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