Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
