im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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