hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
