you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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