Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Randomize
