I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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