I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You can't special order awesome
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
