I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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