i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
