also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
