:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
