I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
People in love make me want to vomit
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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