Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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