I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
