I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
