I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
