So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
