I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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