Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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