he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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