Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
