when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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