she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
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He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
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A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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