Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
