I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
