Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
