Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
