He is such a slut. More and more my type.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
