accomplished twins. life is a go
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
