Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
