Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
