if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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