I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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