Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
