I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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