He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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