I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
