Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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